Love...

The D.E.N.N.I.S System

Back to "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia... At some point in our lives we have all been at the end of a relationship kind of wondering what happened. Maybe you are wondering where you went wrong or possibly you know what you did wrong in order to get rid of that person. In It's Always Sunny terms this is called getting Dennised or Dennising someone. It's a complicated ecosystem, but if it is done right, you either come out feeling like shit or feeling like you've won.


By pure definition the D.E.N.N.I.S System means...

D - Demonstrate Your Value
E - Engage Physically
N - Nurturing Dependence
N - Neglect Emotionally
I - Inspire Hope
S - Separate Entirely

So, in the dance of dating someone, you first want to demonstrate your value, but in a subtle way. For example, buying a pack of magnum condoms in front of your target would come off as desperate, but having a magnum condom fall out of your pocket would be acceptable. While in the "D" phase, you want to let the target know what you can offer them.

Once your target knows the value that you demonstrate as a human being, you ask them on a date; which they would naturally accept. This takes us to "E", engage physically. While you can first have the date and then engage physically afterwards, it may just be easier (and cheaper) to take a page from Dennis' book and take your subject to a restaurant that you know is closed and act surprised, offering the date pizza at your place. Once you have the target in your bedroom, BOOM, engage physically.

After you have engaged the target physically, he or she will naturally want to take the relationship a step further. This is where the first "N" becomes a very important piece of the puzzle. You want to nurture that person's dependence on you. Make them count on you. Perhaps you slit their tire, forcing the target to rely on you for rides. Or maybe you go to a pay phone, use a voice box, call the subject and tell them you are going to kill them. Now, the target is very scared and you, of course, come over to nurture their emotions.

Now that you have demonstrated your value, engaged physically and nurtured their dependence; you are going to want to pull away and "N", neglect emotionally. During this phase, you become completely unavailable. Where you were once there to give the subject rides or protect them from the psychopath that is calling them, you are now impossible to get a hold of. Don't get complacent during this phase, you still have to make the target need you. However, you no longer can fix the problems that you have created.

I know you may be thinking that this would be the end of the relationship, but if you have correctly completed the previous steps, then you will now, "I", inspire hope. At this point, you go to the subject and apologize for being distant, possibly blaming it on your fear of getting your heart broken or a death in the family. You have to leave the subject believing that you are not a dirt bag, but you had extenuating circumstances that kept you away. Once the target has let you back in, you bang. And this is the best bang of all because it is very emotional for the other person. They think they have broken you down and that you are closer than ever...

...But you know the truth. It is time to "S", separate entirely. You slip out of the bedroom into the night, never to be seen again.

Now, think to yourself, have I ever been Dennised? Or did I ever Dennis someone? I can almost guarantee you that you can relate to this in some way. I wanted to make the girls out their aware that this is going on at an alarming rate, but also that you don't just have to get Dennised, you can Dennis too. Just make sure you follow these simple steps and you too can become the sociopath that you have always dreamed of...